The Sixth Memory

About this time my dad entered rehabilitation, Larry got out of prison (and came straight home), and I began to turn to my teachers for help.  Looking back I'm sure they thought I was a crazy depressed child, and didn't know what to do for me.  But I was desperate and lost.  Embarrassingly enough I began writing letters to my teachers about what was happening with me.  I feel silly about that now, but I didn't know what to do.  Finally, the one teacher that I confided in the most, passed my notes on the school counselor.  I was called into her office and spilled everything.  And I think even she was overwhelmed, not just by the story, but by my  emotion overload.  I have always been an emotional person, but to me, even for a 7th grader, this is a little much:

12/3/99

Dear Diary,

For the past three nights I  have cried myself to sleep.  I hate this.  It hurts so bad.

Love, Cassie

See, as soon as my step-dad came home I rebelled.  I recognize that now.  I argued, disobeyed, begged, pleaded, did everything I could think of to make my mom see how negative Larry being in the house was for all of us.  But she didn't see it.  She saw a bratty child, and everyone else looked to Larry like a god, and me like a jerk.  I was the outcast in my own family (a feeling I still struggle with to this day).  I wasn't trying to be an outcast, I was just trying to make everyone see what I saw.    I was desperate to be acknowledged, to be listened to.

12/16/99

Dear Diary, 

I am known as "grouchy" at home.  Nobody likes me here.  I promised I wouldn't do this.

Love, Cassie

So the "this" I am referring to, is fighting the situation.  I wanted to be loved and liked by my family, not disliked!  I fought with myself over how to act at home.  Struggling between doing what they all wanted me to do and being liked again, or doing what I felt was right and being ostracized.

1/5/00

Dear Diary,

No one cares about me.  No one is satisfied.  I live my life for whatever everyone else wants.  I HATE MYSELF.

Love, Cassie

01/28/99

Dear Diary,

I'm sorry if I don't explain things.  I am upset often these days.   I always want to cry, I wish there was someone I could talk to.  I don't know who, just someone.

Love, Cassie

There were a lot of these self-hate entries to follow.  I felt guilty a lot.  Mainly guilty for the strain I knew I was  putting on the school counselor and my teachers.  Guilty for anyone having to go out of their way because my own parents wouldn't.  I was miserable at home so I joined pretty much every UIL club I could just to stay gone.  This immediately became a problem because Larry would often take off with the car for days on end and I would be stranded either at school or at home, without a ride.  My grandma tried her hardest to get me places, so that I never had a missed opportunity and there were a few very special teachers that did their best too.  Then one day the school counselor started a "guidance group" where several kids could get together and talk about everyday stuff that bugged them while she oversaw it.  It was soon after that I wrote this entry:

03/01/00

Dear Diary,

Yesterday in guidance group we were supposed to draw these pics of our worst experiences and I drew the house full of glass and stuff.  I started to cry and Mrs. L (the counselor) said she thinks I am severely traumatized and that Larry emotionally abuses me.  I'm really glad I talked to her.  I feel much better.  I have really needed some help.  Well I hope this works.

Love, Cassie.

Finally, I had someone to talk to (regardless of the fact that it was her job)!  But then I started feeling guilty for constantly dumping on her.  Rereading all this I'm not sure when I started hating myself more than the situation or the people putting me in it, but around this time it becomes really clear that I have blamed my misery on myself.

03/10/00

Dear Diary,

How am I going to handle this life?  I am extremely glad I talked to Mrs. Lehnhoff, but now she has referred me to the school psychologist.  These people are so vital in my life and I don't know how I will ever repay them.  I'm still not sure of myself, I am very confused.  I will never be able to really love Larry because he has proved himself not work it too many times.  So many people are probably disappointed in me.  I feel the need to apologize to the world and I'm not even sure what for.  I don't like this feeling at all.

Love, Cassie

Soon after this things really started getting bad, it seemed that the older I got, the more obstinate I was and the more my family refused me.