The Fourth Memory

Wow---I'm sad to say it's been over a year since I have updated this blog!  But in my defense it was a crazy and pretty crappy year.  But I'm back again and ironically enough, my next diary entry wasn't until almost a year later.  But that doesn't mean I don't remember what happened next....

So shortly after Mom found out, and Stephanie began to taunt me from her front step, Danielle and her family moved.  They just up and left, and because of the situation, there were no goodbyes, nothing.  It was totally traumatizing.  I was back to having to lock my feelings up, and keep my situation a secret.  So begins what I have labeled "Diary of Depression II" (yes, I've always been dramatic Ha!).  So basically in that year things calmed down.  I would say about a month later Larry was arrested.  But not before completely terrorizing our house.  See, before the cops came to our place to get Larry, Mom packed us up and took us to grandmas.  We waited until the coast was clear and went home.  When we got there, we were shocked.  Larry at literally busted EVERY window in our house.  He even threw a rock ashtray through the sliding glass door.  Our house looked like a crystal palace and pieces of glass glittered everywhere.  As we scavenged the place for our belongings I saw many of my unicorn trinkets and my stereo smashed into the floor.  Nothing was spared, not a dish, not a glass, not anything.  My mom immediately burst into tears, completely overwhelmed.  It was clear we couldn't stay there until it was cleaned up.  There was glass EVERYWHERE.  A couple days later, we rented a shop-vac and with the help of a few friends began to pick up all the pieces of glass off the floor.  Finally the house was basically livable.  We had covered the sliding glass door with a piece of tarp and some paper plates and we were set.  But years later we still couldn't walk barefoot in that trailer because we would find pieces of glass in the most random places.

 I really thought that meant it was all over, things would finally change, and I would have my mother back.  But what really happened was that she became even more withdrawn.  I mean think of it, she is pregnant and my step-dad (the father of that baby) is now in jail.  So I suppose it is fairly understandable that it would be a dark time for her.  But instead of seeing how nice things were without him, she pined for him.  Constantly.  To the point that all I felt like she ever did was write him.  Constantly writing letters, love letters, letters of undying devotion.  And then I knew that my hope that she would get over him was looking bleak.  Then she did the unimaginable.  That January she had my baby brother, and soon after she announced that they were married, and oh joy!, could have contact visits.  This is when I knew that things were far from over.  So here's that entry for you...

06/08/1998
Dear Diary,

Today I found out mom married LARRY in prison!  I can't believe it.  I am so mad.  I don't ever want to talk to them again.  Mom tries to make excuses but she is really married to Larry and she doesn't even know if he is different.  She just wants contact visits.  WHY!??  I want to move in with Dad really (forever).  Why does Mom do stupid stuff?

Love, Cassie

I will confess that after this my diary gets very 13 year old girl and has entry after entry of which boy I like and who my boyfriend-of-the-moment is.  So it's nice to look back and see that despite what was happening in my life, I still had a life somewhat of my own and I still was just a normal 13 year old girl.  There's even some funny entries about some lovely little sibling rivalry fights such as this one:

06/27/98
Diary,

Sonnie is the biggest jerk I know.  I can't stand him.  I almost hate him.  If I could I would.  (and what has he done to upset me so??) He keeps trying to come in my room and kill my fish and steal my bike!  Ughhhh!

Love, Cassie

This was followed by a lovely entry from Sonnie himself that says:

Diary,

I love my brother more than anything in the world.

Love, Cassie Baker
P.S. I am talking about Sonnie

So in lots of ways my life was no different than any other kids life.  Still had the same fights, "loves", and friendships every kid does.  There was just that impending doom feeling looming, just waiting, for Larry to come home.  Luckily, we had a couple years before that day came.  I couldn't have been happier about my baby brother, Chase.  I became, for all intents and purposes, his second mom.  When my mom was too depressed to get out of bed in the evening, I'd make bottles, dinner, etc.  Make sure he went to bed full and happy, played with him, sang to him, and spent most of my free minutes with him.  Needless to say, when my mom did discipline him, I was the person he came running too.  Sometimes I don't know if I would've made it as well as I did if it weren't for his smiling face and funny antics.  It's hard to believe he is this giant teenager now, the same age as I was when he was born.

So at this point, though things have calmed down with Larry gone, my dad seems to find himself getting deeper and deeper into drugs, and it all begins again...