The Tenth Memory

Luckily, I wrote a nice summary about the rest of that summer:

06/27/01
Diary,

Ok, I haven't written in forever.  I mean I've written, but not everything.  Ok well we went down to Kerrville to finish packing only to find that Larry broke parole and trashed the house...again.  Not only that but had racked up some serious bills that mom has to pay.  She's pretty depressed.  Sonnie's not any better.  Today he got realy bad and Aunt Janis and him got into it and she pushed him and told him that Dad loved his money more than himself.  Mom says she's disappointed.  I'm not sure what this will do between the two.  I hope it doesn't mess things up too bad.  Night!

Love, Cassie

So perhaps it wasn't right for my aunt to push my brother.  But if you know my brother, you know how he can get.  And she was under a lot of pressure.  She was helping raise us and she was basically watching my mother fall and drag us all down with her.  After being in Cleveland only a few months my mom was already debating on going back to Larry.

07/18/01
Diary,

Mom wants to go back to Larry.  What the heck is her problem!  I'm not going back.  He is an ass!  I don't even think she cares about us anymore, just him and no one else.  I don't even like being around her.  All she thinks about him is mad.  That makes me so mad.  Where is my mom???

Love, Cassie

So I'm going to attribute my feeling rejected by my family to me being so clingy to my "first" boyfriend.  There are tons of follow-up entries about him, and believe me, he was a total asshole.  But I was so vulnerable and needy that I didn't care.  I threw myself full force into school and my friends, especially the ones who could drive and take me away from this mess.  Several times I remember sitting after a play rehearsal in Ms. Stuart or Holly's car waiting for my parents to pick me up, and they never came.  The teacher would offer to take me home, but I was scared that as soon as I got there they would be at the school and I'd be in huge trouble. Several times my teachers drove me home, and one time one even was so upset she went to the door and knocked because Larry had told me over the phone that I could just walk home.  I lived a good 15 miles from the school.  So he refused to pick me up, and she took me home and knocked and the door and Larry, of course, answered in nothing but a towel.  She stood up for me, as she often did over the course of my childhood, but it didn't matter.  He was a fixture in my life, thanks to my mom.