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So my brother and I were sitting in the car. I knew things were bad, I was 8. I had a sense for these things. My brother was oblivious, he was only 6. A few days before Mom had us frantically pack our suitcases and we went to stay with her parents, my grandparents. They never really were our favorites because they were more strict, with less toys. But it almost seemed like a vacation still. I wasn't worried either because my mom had promised me that divorce wasn't an option. She had promised me that as long as I can remember. Since the first argument I remember, when she would come crawl in bed between me and my brother, I would ask her if they were getting divorced. She always promised me "no." To be honest at this point a divorce would've been a relief to me. I was sick of the arguing. It wasn't fun and it made my daddy cranky and my mom distracted and sad. As much as I loved my mom I did wonder why she didn't just iron the clothes and clean the house the way Dad wanted. I didn't see what was so hard about that if it would make the arguing come to a halt. Their fights were always after we "went to bed" even though we lay awake speaking hushed whispers wondering what was going on. My dad would always say "I'm going to work" and put on his jeans and work shirt. I always wondered how he could do construction in the dark, but I never asked.
So anyway, back to this particular day. My brother and I were sitting in the car while my mom was inside talking to my dad. All I could think about was the Blizzard I had gotten at Dairy Queen the day before and how delicious that would taste right about then. I decided I would sneak inside, grab it out of the freezer, and run back to the car without either Mom or Dad noticing. I figured it would be fairly simple as I knew they were distracted. I asked Sonnie if he wanted his and once he decided he didn't, I set out on my mission. I shut the car door as slowly and quietly as I could. And then I slipped in the front door in almost total silence. (This was a real feat as the door had these glass window panes on it that made it quite creaky). As I snuck into the kitchen to get my beloved Blizzard, my ears unwillingly tuned in on my parents conversation. I hear my dad ask in a really sad voice "Well what's it gonna be Ronna?" and as I stood with the freezer door open and my cold Blizzard in one hand I held my breath for the answer. Somehow I knew what he was talking about and I was anxious to hear my mom's reply. Suddenly, in a voice barely above a whisper, I heard it. "I want a divorce." With that I quietly shut the freezer door and got out of there as fast as I could. As I settled into my seat with the Blizzard that I really didn't want anymore, my brother asked "When's Mom coming? I'm ready to go." I just stared at him for a minute. I didn't know what to do. I needed to confide in someone badly, but I didn't really know if my 6 year old brother was the person I should do this to. Being 8 though, I couldn't keep it in and it rushed out before I could spend another second thinking about it. "Mom and Dad are getting a divorce!" I'm not sure what kind of reaction I expected beings that my brother had the comprehension of a 6 year old, but his blank stare was not what I had bargained for. "What's divorce?" he asked me. I looked at him incredulously. "Divorce Sonnie, like they won't live together anymore. Like we have to live with one of them and not the other." Still the blank uncomprehending stare. "Oh." At that point I gave up on trying to make him understand. I began a whole slew of thoughts in my head. (Come to think of it maybe this is where that began.) I told myself I was glad, which I was in some ways, and that the fighting would stop now. I also told myself that under NO circumstances would I cry when this information was officially divulged to my brother and I. I would accept it right now, so that when that time came I was already over it and could just shrug it off. Well apparently 10 minutes was not enough time to successfully accomplish this. Soon, my mom was back at the car telling us to get out and come inside, but NOT to bring our suitcases. As we sat down on the couch I wondered again what Sonnie was thinking. If he understood the magnitude of this news. I prepared myself for what was coming and busied myself with the stupid Blizzard that I only appreciated now because it gave me something to distract myself with. My dad began, "Your mom and I have something to tell you." I didn't look up. I knew that if I looked at the expression on my dad's face that went with sadness in his voice, I wouldn't be able to stand it. My dad was always one of those people you felt bad for. Something about him evoked a sympathy regardless of whether or not he was the true victim. I could feel him glance at my mom. I could tell he expected her to tell us this news since she was the one who had made the decision. I still didn't look up. "It has nothing to do with you, but we are getting a divorce." She said it very slow. I assumed it was because she was watching to see our reactions. I sat still. Shrugged my shoulders and let Sonnie ask the questions. I tuned them all out and listened to the calm chant I had going on in my head about how I was not going to cry. I slowly put my Blizzard on the table and decided to make a run for it before I let that first tear fall. I would not let them see me cry about this. I went straight for the bathroom and locked myself in. Once I was in the safety of that room I really let it go. I always felt safe in bathrooms, weird as it may sound. There's usually just one tiny little window and such a small space that no one can bother you. I remember many times throughout my childhood I would take my blanket and lay on the floor in the bathroom with the faucet running so I couldn't hear what was going on in the rest of the house. It was some kind of a sanctuary for me at times.
Once I let it all out both my parents were on their feet and at the door begging me to open it. But I couldn't. I didn't know who I was more angry with. They were spouting the typical "we both love you very much" bullshit and honestly it never crossed my mind that it was because they didn't love me. I knew the reasons, I knew they fought. But I didn't want either of them to comfort me or hold me because somehow both of them had just completely turned my world upside down. Little did I know that it would be much more than just the inevitable childhood disappointment at my parents splitting up. That day was to be the day that turned my childhood from good to bad. That day sealed all of our fates, and changed all of our lives forever. We all knew it was bad, but we didn't know how much worse it could get.
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