The Third Memory

So this one basically backs right up to the last one.  The diary entry dates July 17, 1997 so only three days after I find out my mom is pregnant.  I was home after school folding clothes.  I called mom to ask if my best friend's (who was also my neighbor) sister could come over.  She was older than me significantly I guess.  She was 20.  I was 11.  Anyway, we had also become friends through circumstance.  Our two families lived similiar lifestyles.  Our parents were out a lot, or at least mostly non-participatory in our lives.  We spent a ton of time together that summer.  Staying up late, sneaking wine coolers, vandalizing the neighborhood.  I know it's pretty surprising to know that I used to do that stuff.  But life was different then, and I was younger and clearly more stupid.  I spent most of my summer with them.  They were my family.  Danielle was my best friend, Dylan was my "boyfriend", and Stephanie was my sister.  The four of us (being the oldest) always helped each other out with Sonnie, Caleb, and Travis.  We played house, but for real.  We'd cook the meals for the kids, we'd entertain them, play with them, then put them to bed.  Then we'd stay up and talk late into the night.  Danielle and I were inseparable.  We did everything together.  I still think of it as the best and worst summer of my life.

Anyway--on this particular day, Steph was over helping me fold clothes when she got to a pair of boxers that were Larry's.  She looked at me and said "these are the boxers Larry was wearing when we did it."  I looked back and her and told her I didn't believe her.  She insisted and gave me a few other details to prove she was telling the truth.  She begged me not to tell, and not to be mad at her.  I wasn't.  I was mad at Larry.  How could he do this to my pregnant mother??  She wanted me to prove I wasn't mad, so I wrote this entry in my diary, in front of her.

07/16/1997
Dear Diary,


Stephanie said she had sex with Larry 3 times.  I hate Larry, I don't hate Stephanie.


Love, Cassie


Shortly after this revelation.  I went on vacation with my aunt to California.  On the last day there my mom called me and told me that were having a HUGE talk when I got back.  I was sick with fear.  I didn't know what it was about, but I knew it wasn't good.  She told me that she had went into my room to find a spiral notebook, and saw my diary laying facedown on the floor.  On the back of my diary I hate written "I HATE LARRY" in big bold letters.  Apparently this inspired her to read it.  And of course, the last entry was the one in which I gave away Stephanie's secret.

Now it may seem unfair that I didn't tell my mom when I found out.  But you have to remember, I was only 11 years old.  I couldn't even begin to come up with the words to tell my mother something that I knew would hurt her.  Not to mention that I loved Stephanie and her family like my own.  So I kept my promise, and I didn't tell.  But she found out anyway.  Immediately I was forbidden from talking to, or spending time with anyone in Dani's family.  I was devastated.  They were my escape from this hell that Larry and Mom had created in our home.  They loved me and I loved them and we stuck together no matter what.  We ran the neighborhood.  And now all I could do was sit on my porch and gaze down the road wishing I was there instead.

Now of course Stephanie thought I told, and I can't blame her for thinking that.  But I wrote letter after letter and snuck it on their doorstep promising that I would never do that to her.  When I'd walk by and she'd be outside she'd yell "slut" or "bitch" at me.  And I'd run past as fast as I could and go home and cry.  She was like the big sister I never had and now she hated me.  They all did.  To this day, I don't think I've ever felt worse than I did then.  I felt utterly and completely alone.